Noisy Neighbours

10 Ways To Deal With Noisy Neighbours

Living in a city has a lot of problems – especially if you’re living adjacent to a noisy neighbour.

Loud parties, raucously drunk nights and overly passionate intimate moments are just some of the sounds that might plague your life and kick your biological clock into “zombie” mode. And the worst thing is, they don’t seem to feel the same way – they literally look like spring chickens even though you can tell EXACTLY what time they went to bed! After all, that’s when the noise stops. Every. Time.


Ways To Deal With Noisy Neighbours

So let’s take a peek at what sorts of interesting methods you can adopt to compel your neighbour to be more friendly:

10. The Silent-anator

There’s a reason why I’ve placed this entry at the bottom (or is it the top?) of our list – it’s absolutely unfair!

Why should you have to compromise your perfectly good aural faculties in order to drown out some infuriating hubbub coming from god-knows-what? That’s insanity!

However, in the complex world of adult relationships, it is sometimes necessary to be the bigger person and just resolve things in a way that’ll please you and avoid trivial conflict. This is one of the simpler ways to do it, because not only does it block out you’re neighbour’s nasty bluster, but it also gives you an excuse for not opening the door for unwanted visitors.

9. The Neighbourhood Snitch

This is another option I don’t rate very highly – it’s kind of a childish way to resolve things.

However, 9 out of 10 times, this option gets the job done. Although your neighbour will probably never give you back that CD he lent that time (in addition to refusing to lend you anything EVER again), they will surely reduce their noise pollution. Nobody wants to do jail-time for something that dumb. As in like, seriously? They would end up in a room full of hardened criminals and whimper, “I didn’t turn the volume down”. Not a pleasant scenario!

On the other hand, that’s none of your business. I mean, like any decent person, you should definitely speak to them first (we’ll come to that later), before you go around calling the police on them. Otherwise you’re just a really mean person.

8. The Underhand Diplomat

Diplomacy is always the best way to resolve something. Your neighbours are most probably normal people just like you; except that they don’t realize that their house sounds like a re-run of Jurassic Park.

On the off-chance that they’re not though, this is a strategy best approached with some degree of intelligence:

a) If it’s past 12 on a weekend – DO NOT attempt to speak to them. They’ll most likely launch a drunk tirade filled with expletives and things like,

“Shuuuut uuuup duuuude, why’re you acting like a freaking, freaking – uhh, (what was I saying?), oh, oh yeah, a freaking grandma, duuuude!”.

Is that really something you want to hear in the middle of the night?? And that’s not even mentioning the crazy drunk guys with Pitbulls the size of your torso. Those guys are really dangerous when they’re being told to keep quiet.

b) Always approach them amicably and let them know that you understand that it is their god-given right to irritate everyone else, but always have some genuine reason for asking them to turn it down – this is the easiest way of convincing someone to change.

7. Operation Sound-Proof

This is another one I’m not a big fan of, but it’s been done before, so you might consider it if your problem is really a desperate one.

For an affordable fee, you can cover your home up with soundless material. You’re not only going to get cool-looking walls and a chance to show off to your friends how cool and trendy you are, but you get to block out your neighbour’s noise completely!

And what’s more – you now have the licence to become the monstrosity of a neighbour you’ve been complaining about all this time, and nobody will ever be the wiser! You can scream and yell victory chants in the general direction of your neighbour’s blaring house; he’ll never know.

6. The Blast-off!

Bring on the musical deathmatch – let’s see who’s speakers are bigger!

In order to give the serial offender a taste of his/her own medicine, all you need is to get speakers that are just a few increments louder than his. Then, scour the internet for bad quality, high pitched music. Place the speakers as close as possible to your neighbour’s home and fight fire with fire!

Once again – pick your hour with this one! If you try this halfway through a party, your neighbour might just throw the after-party over to your side!

WARNING: We’re now descending into the scary realm of affirmative action. Lots of grey areas here, so only take these options if you really want to.

(By the way, if you do, post a recording of them on Youtube and comment the link on this article. I’m dying to be completely-serious-and-not-laugh-at-mayhem-totally-not-caused-by-my-blog-post)

5. The MC Hammer

You’ve spoken to them before, and they asked you to tell them whenever the sound got too loud.

Makes sense, right?

That’s until you realize that they were probably not really listening, and just said that because you looked a little bit creepy. You go over and try to call out their attention in an increasingly louder voice, but you get nothing. What does one do?

Well, there is a very simple way to get their attention. Go to the wall from which their sound is closest, and go Muhammad Ali on that thing. Bang and knock and sting it like a bee until the sound takes a noticeable drop, as they look aghast at the horrors that could be lying behind that thumping wall. And that’s when you take the chance to run over to their door and tell them that THAT is the volume you’d like it at. Simple and effective.

4. Operation Don’t-try-this-at-Home

Now, if the sound is becoming really, really bad for you – and you’re a responsible, consenting adult – there is one radical solution:

Have a baby!

Nothing screams “I-really-really-need-the-music-down-NOW” like a teary little bundle that can barely keep its eyes open wider than a slit humming in your arms. Cradle it with love and allow your neighbour to hold if for some time whilst you wistfully look at the speakers and you bravely blink back tears, praying for a day when the speakers might shut themselves off. Cast your neighbour a poorly-disguised look of trust and hope. How one Earth can anybody keep the sound up after seeing that?

If they do, then you’re dealing with a draconian little personage who needs to learn about civility; but you already knew that!

3. The Time Chamber

Now, this one is equally as effective as any option on this list but it is considerably harder – and may often be a painstakingly slow process.

Another group of people whom society dictates have the authority to shut down the party are senior citizens. They’re pretty much on the other end of the spectrum as compared to babies, but that carries a right in its own! There are 3 ways to accomplish this:

a) Prove that you live with an elderly person who needs a certain degree of silence

b) Purchase high-end up make-up and hire a professional stylist to make you look old

c) Irreversibly accelerate the aging process

Every single one of them ends with you hobbling along to said neighbour’s and casually hinting about your low heart rate and why you need silence.

2. The Speaker Inception

This is one is for the professionals out there.

Did you know that you can completely silence your neighbour from the comfort of your house? Here’s how:

a) Get a cheap CB radio, a linear amplifier and a bottom-loaded CB antenna.

b) Set your antenna up as close to your neighbour’s speakers as possible.

c) You will know have command over their speakers!

The potential for evil is probably tantalizing (you can blow out their speakers by playing insanely tuned sounds), but you should just use it to raise your neighbour’s awareness about how irritating this little problem is.

Classy and professional.

1. The Carrie Mathisen

You’ve tried. Believe me, you’ve tried.

After going through every single item on this list, you’re right down to the most desperate and questionable technique – you’re going to try to intimidate our neighbour!

On any given weekend, take a bit of very light blush and lightly apply it to your face. Now, work up a mood and go to the offender’s house in the middle of the night looking serious, angry and eerily pale. Stick your face right by their window and start acting impatient and savage.

When they come out, speak through gritted teeth (make sure all your veins pop out) and fake false politeness while asking them to lower the volume. Keep flinching as if you’re a combustible wreck on the verge of lighting the whole place up. Try this 2 or 3 consecutive times, and on the last time, greet them from inside their very house… With a scary torch.

Deal Sealed!

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